Am I Ridiculous?

There is a medical term describing one of the symptoms of mania (as in manic episodes versus depressive ones) called "racing thoughts". It is a term describing an inability to control the onslaught of thoughts and ideas that flood the mind at an alarming rate like water gushing through a newly destroyed dam. Lately this is the term that keeps popping in my head, holding my head under water until I feel like I can't breathe ...

Here is a snapshot of my life recently:

Thursday

Up early to finally shower (after 2 disgusting days), dress kids (a DAILY struggle), feed kids breakfast and pack lunches to-go (for the kids, of course, because as usual I had no time for breakfast for myself and I forgot to pack my own lunch)

Hustle to Music Together class to make it on time for the "Hello" song (because they get REALLY upset if we miss it) and sing and dance with other grown ups while other three-year olds watch us (secretly amused, I believe)

Hike after class and dole out lunch on the way home from said hike (I nibbled on leftover crusts, how pathetic!)

Nap time struggle with the kids (which is a completely separate post) during which time I am checking email and all forms of social media, reviewing bank accounts and bills, and making a mental inventory of groceries we might need

Awake time struggle with the kids while sainted husband makes us dinner, my first square meal of the day

Then the rest of the evening is a blur of scarfing down dinner with the kids, bath time, the bed time struggle, and all of us staying up way too late ...

Friday

Up early to get to work early to complete unfinished business

Long stressful day at work, hurrying and hustling to get out on time...

Rush home to go with the family to the Bob the Builder opening at the Children's Discovery Museum

Then the usual bed time struggle, again staying up way too late ...

Saturday

Up early for the kids' swim lesson followed by 3 hours at the pool mediating, monitoring, and placating the kids (not to mention several potty breaks) -- oh, and feeding them as well

Rush home so sainted husband can do the nap time struggle with the kids while I hurry off to a hair appointment, late of course

Car wash and groceries after hair appointment, then home to help cook dinner

The evening routine again (Were they supposed to get baths? Yes. Did we give them baths? No. They'll live.) -- Why are we up so late EVERY NIGHT??

Sunday

Up early to go to work again ...

I have these almost out-of-body experiences sometimes when I can see myself and hear myself and I ask myself, Is this a joke? Our mother's helper was supposed to arrive before our swim class to clean the house, but with 15 minutes left to get to their lesson on time she sent me a text:

Sorry I am late. My father is in trouble.

My immediate response was concern for her and her family. But the feeling was rapidly swept away with one glance at the clock which glared at me accusingly as if to say, "You're late! You're late!" We barely made it to class on time with my husband so discombobulated he forgot to put shoes on my daughters feet! All thoughts of my helper's poor father were quickly crowded out by thoughts of shoes, sunscreen, and swimming safety.

I actually completely forgot about her cryptic text until we returned home over 4 hours later. I would have been completely preoccupied with getting to my salon appointment on time until I glanced down at my phone and re-read her text:

My father is in trouble.

Now, I ask you, what kind of person occupies her mind with thoughts of shoes and water guns and hair ABOVE the concerns of another person's well-being? I guiltily pondered this very question as I slathered my overpriced face cream on my chlorinated skin with that damn clock again screaming at me, "YOU'RE LATE! YOU'RE LATE!"

Ignoring the clock, I inquired about her father and found out that he was arrested for driving with a suspended license and was now in jail. Oh. My. God. What a cold heartless bitch I am! I waited almost 5 hours after her text to even ASK about her situation. I was too busy trying to generate family fun at our pricey health club with my kids taking their expensive swim lessons and me focused on getting to my pretentious salon appointment on time. Not to mention, all this costly activity is sandwiched between days that I am working long hours to pay for all this shit.

Woody Allen made this great movie that I still love to this day titled "Alice". It's an old movie with Mia Farrow playing the housewife of a rich businessman (William Hurt) set in, of course, Manhattan. She plays the upper East side housewife to a T, getting pampered, socializing with two-faced fake friends, and delegating domestic household duties including childcare to others so she can continue to maintain her expected facade. The movie is about her journey from the ridiculous to the sublime.

People tell me, Enjoy your children while they are young. My husband constantly urges me, Be in the moment. My racing thoughts jump from one activity to another as there always seems to be some place to get to "on time" or something that needs to be done but gets forgotten (like shoes or my lunch). How can I enjoy being in the now when it seems like I always need to live in the future? How can I be so selfishly entangled in my own silly plans to the exclusion of another human being's crisis? Sometimes I ask myself, Am I ridiculous?